Positive Outlook

Last night's run was hard. Really hard. I physically couldn't drag myself any further. I was wearing my Camelbak, so I don't know if that weighed me down, or if I wasn't used to the heat (it wasn't that hot...), or if my legs are just in need of a big break. But it was rough.

I decided to take an old gravel prison road that is closed to the public, behind the high school and passing through fields and trees and overgrown blackberry bushes. The sun was beginning to set, and I was seriously considering dropping out of the half-marathon when I saw an entire family of deer in a narrow space between blackberry hedges, carpeted in lush green grass. It was so beautiful, and for a while they didn't see me; they just continued to eat grass and was their white tails. For some reason it just made me feel so much better.

As I kept walking, I passed a small pond surrounded by tall marshy grasses. On the far side were two deer, wading in the water near the shore, just hanging out. To their right, within a human's arm length, was the most elegant bird; I'm not 100% sure but I think it was a great blue heron. (We've seen the same bird at the pond in Laurel Hill, the other end of the prison land... same guy maybe?) I stood for a while and wished for my camera, but I also started thinking about how little the half-marathon really matters in the scheme of things.

I'm so proud, it's ridiculous. Who cares if I come in last? At least I would finish! But instead of focusing on the accomplishment that will be finishing the half-marathon, on race day I will probably be embarrassed that I'm not going faster, or that I'm at the back of the pack, or that I'm gross. I also will be annoyed and embarrassed that people will be on the sidelines cheering. I don't even know these people, but I'm already dreading them because they'll be cheering for everyone and I won't feel like I am doing well enough to be cheered.

In the beauty of the moment, I thought about how it doesn't matter, and I just need to appreciate what I am able to do and be more positive in life in general. It's going to be hard for me, since being positive goes against my very nature, but I'm working on it.